Wicked Witch

Stupid AF showed her ugly red face last Tuesday.

Yeah, she was two days later than I had expected. Yes, I wasted a $6 preggo test on Sunday, hoping for an amazing bfp as my Easter gift from God. And yes, I was disappointed, for the 9th cycle in a row.

So now you'd think I was excited, YAY in the after math, thinking, hooray, another month, a new try. More time to be hopeful. WELLLLL since we're not trying for the next two cycles, I'm not jumping for any kind of stupid joy.

come back in two months to see how I'm doing. I probably won't post between now and then, other to let you know if my CM looks better after taking a thousand pills a day for fertility.

Two week wait is over... or is it??

So my two week wait is coming to an end. At 11 DPO I should be able to test this sunday, at about 13 DPO.

So is it actually over? I have no idea.

Since my cycles are so damn irregular, I have no idea when Aunt Flow is supposed to arrive, and therefore I have no indication as to whether I've missed her visit or not.

SOOOO when am I spooosed to test???????????

Can I pull all my hair out now? TTC is so confusing.

When did it fade?

When did the excitement of trying to conceive fade away?

9 or so months ago, I couldn't wait to hop into bed and try again. I was excited, and so was he, to be trying for our very first gift from Heaven.

Well... now I feel I'm "over it"..

I'm tired of the following:

• Charting
• Negative OPK and HPT
• Taking my temperature in the morning.
• Taking several Vitex each day
• Taking prenatal vitamins that help nurture a baby that I don't have growing inside of me
• Peeing on sticks, and possibly, my hands also.
• Peeing in a cup
• Going to the doctor
• Ovarian cysts
• Acne (comes with the cysts, hooray.....)
• Straw like hair (again.. stupid cysts)
• irregular periods
• Migraines during my said periods
• Analyzing every tiny thing and putting it on my chart on FF.
• Putting a cushion under my butt after sex and waiting 30 minutes before peeing
• Bothering God to help me get a baby every day, sometimes several times a day.
• Did I mention that I was tired of negative tests?

So when does it loose its luster? When does trying for a baby become a chore? And why is it so darn complicated?

Well I've decided to turn a new leaf. I'm no longer "Trying" to have a baby. From now on... if you as me, I'm having a baby. I'm not pregnant, yet. But I will have a baby. I'm going to have one. And he or she or they will be beautiful.
No more "trying." Trying implies that there is a chance of failure.

I will.

The Terrible Two... week wait...

I'm dying here. Ok so it's only been a few DPO, but considering I've never successfully ovulated before, I've never had the same hope as I do now. I can't wait for my two weeks to go by and take that test. Although I'm also scared out of my mind, what if I'm not pregnant and I get my hopes up for nothing?

I think this torture is magnified by the fact that I don't have work for the entire two weeks and I have nothing to keep myself busy with, minus editing this maternity photo shoot I just did which does NOT help the situation at all. I have, hold on let me count for you, 6 friends... yes SIX friends, who are currently expecting, along with several who just recently gave birth. It's hard to stand by and watch as these women (all in the time that I've been trying to GET pregnant) announce their pregnancies, grow their precious baby bellies, and have their adorable little bundles of joy as I struggle internally trying not to hate them.

I am not a hateful person nor do I hold grudges against any friends of mine. I've been told that God doesn't give us any trials that we cannot handle, but for some reason I feel like I'm near my breaking point on this one.

What can I do to make the two weeks fly by a little easier? Holy cow help me get past this waiting period.